When Integration Becomes An Excuse
“What you kick out the front door will crawl through the back window,” the dearest of friends reminded me. Yes, indeed, a self cut off from the SELF can wreak incredible havoc. The self that engages in SELF-destructive behavior is more than likely a traumatized, younger self in need of healing, in need of light and love, as another friend put it.
“What you kick out the front door will crawl through the back window,” the dearest of friends reminded me. Yes, indeed, a self cut off from the SELF can wreak incredible havoc. The self that engages in SELF-destructive behavior is more than likely a traumatized, younger self in need of healing, in need of light and love, as another friend put it.
There is
a difference between separation and integration, between building and not
building a wall, between building and tearing down a wall. Twelve-Step programs
offer separation more than integration, and sometimes that separation is
absolutely necessary.
To save
the SELF, a wiser self, who is usually an older self, must separate the the SELF-destructive self, must build a wall to keep out the SELF-destructive self. Sometimes the child has to be removed from the home. Inviting the child back,
however, brings consequences, both positive and negative.
Under any
circumstances, the younger and older selves will learn from one another and
grow, and the SELF will emerge more whole. If the older self (the adult) gives
the younger self (the child) light and love and if the younger self (the child)
accepts it, both will experience healing.
Integration
like separation is a process. One step forward often results in two or more steps
backward. A commitment to integration can be abused. It can be used by the
younger self as an excuse to indulge yet again in SELF-destructive behavior. A
child, after all, can be very manipulative. The older self, in the name of
fostering integration, can excuse or even defend the younger self’s behavior
despite the toll it is taking on the SELF.
So, when
is enough, enough? When is it time to for the adult to say to the NOW OLDER
child, “This is your home. This will always be your home, but it’s time for you
to move out now. It’s time for you to get your own place, and I will help you
carry your things out the back door?”
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